Undeserving

"I need God to help me love God."

 Francis Chan

Crazy Love

"Come near to God and he will come near to you."

 James 4:8

I'm a perfectionist. I like things that are complete. If it's not finished, I'm ashamed.

Then God said he wanted me. And joy filled my heart-for a moment. How could I give him my life? It's broken, imperfect, not finished... There is so much that needs to be done. I felt shame.

I held him at arms length and rushed to get everything in order. But my hand fumbled, everything I touched gave way and shattered. Now my shame turned to panic. What would I do? Everything that had looked good in my life lay in rubble at my feet.

Suddenly I had nothing.

Nothing to give.

And yet I had nothing to lose.

I swallowed hard and lowered my arm, holding him back. I took a step, just a small one. My head lowered, dreading the unknown. Nothing. Now another step, head raising. I saw a face. This face didn't mock my failure, it didn't stare at my broken pieces, it didn't back up in horror, it didn't show judgment, surprise or anger. It showed acceptance, compassion and comfort; everything I had worked hard to earn. I looked back at my life, surely there was something redeemable I had done to experience the gaze. But looking back I had nothing, not even rubble. Everything had been swept away.

A feeling flooded over me, not shame, not panic, but peace. 

I hadn't fooled the face, he had accepted me despite my failure.

I needed him to love him.

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Hurt People, Hurt People

I love people. I love watching them.

Sometimes I see people loving others-a smile, a moment spent solely on another, going out of their way for someone they have never met-it's beautiful.

Other times I see people in pain-lashing out in anger, indifferent to the hurt they have caused, selfishly bypassing the cares of others-it's heartbreaking.

These people:
Lash out in anger when they feel threatened or hurt.
Hurt others when desperate for attention.
Don't know how to manage their pain.
Respond the way they have been treated.

Most people aren't mean. They are hurting so bad that they can't communicate the pain they're in.

I have decided, I have resolved:
I am not going to shun, ignore, or belittle those who have been deprived of love. Those who have warped views of themselves and of the world.

I will love those He loves.

Because He's crazy about them.

Because it breaks His heart when they're in pain.

Because He desires them to know His crazy love.

His crazy, undeserving, unconditional LOVE.

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You Are Making Me New

"You make beautiful things

                                                                         You make beautiful things out of the dust

You make beautiful things

You make beautiful things out of us

You make me new, 

You are making me new"

                                                 -Gungor

A brand new year was always exciting, but it wasn't until recently that I began to grasp the meaning.


New Year's resolutions were never made in my house. If we wanted/needed to change an aspect in our life, it should happen immediately or as soon as possible. The only time I heard about people's resolutions were excuses of why they wouldn't continue. Not enough time, not enough money, not enough support....All I heard was, "Resolutions are meant to be spoken, not fulfilled." 
So why continue? Because it makes us feel good. It's an effort without the excursion. 


I used to think resolutions were stupid. 


But I don't think that anymore. 


I think resolutions are fabulous. I think they're an important step to accomplishing a dream. But I have to remember that it's going to be hard. I won't want to do it some days. I'll choose to give up. I'll choose the wide, comfortable path.  And once I do it will be even more difficult to get back on the right path. But will it be worth it? Oh, yes. A resolution should be something you believe in so completely that pain and hardship are mere trifles to attaining the greater good.
Yes, I thing resolutions are fabulous.


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