Undeserving

"I need God to help me love God."

 Francis Chan

Crazy Love

"Come near to God and he will come near to you."

 James 4:8

I'm a perfectionist. I like things that are complete. If it's not finished, I'm ashamed.

Then God said he wanted me. And joy filled my heart-for a moment. How could I give him my life? It's broken, imperfect, not finished... There is so much that needs to be done. I felt shame.

I held him at arms length and rushed to get everything in order. But my hand fumbled, everything I touched gave way and shattered. Now my shame turned to panic. What would I do? Everything that had looked good in my life lay in rubble at my feet.

Suddenly I had nothing.

Nothing to give.

And yet I had nothing to lose.

I swallowed hard and lowered my arm, holding him back. I took a step, just a small one. My head lowered, dreading the unknown. Nothing. Now another step, head raising. I saw a face. This face didn't mock my failure, it didn't stare at my broken pieces, it didn't back up in horror, it didn't show judgment, surprise or anger. It showed acceptance, compassion and comfort; everything I had worked hard to earn. I looked back at my life, surely there was something redeemable I had done to experience the gaze. But looking back I had nothing, not even rubble. Everything had been swept away.

A feeling flooded over me, not shame, not panic, but peace. 

I hadn't fooled the face, he had accepted me despite my failure.

I needed him to love him.

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